Surprise–I am alive

I will give you a moment to collect yourself.

I could list any number of excuses as to why I haven’t posted in a while, but the truth is…I just didn’t make time for it. For awhile I thought about changing the purpose of my writing and ramblings to be about my hopes for the day. As I wrote out some of my Christmas cards this year I wrote about what I think is BEST for people, what I hope will happen in the next year. I am still deciding about the idea, we will see what happens.

Today’s post would include the following:

Swetter you are embarking on another great journey deeper into the south and into relationship. I am so proud of you, and cannot wait to hear about it. I am continually reminded why I love getting to do life with you. Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability. You my dear are one of the forever friends I always hope to have. Keep leaning into the scary stuff. It will be worth it.

C is on a man-date with some of my favorite staff. I am sad Lauren is the third wheel, but I think she is used to the man crush that is the relationship between C and Smokebear. So glad you are having fun, I hope you live fully into it and get lost in the moment. I am thankful for the pictures documenting the day.

B-Hawk you have been on my mind seemingly almost every third day since we hung out. I have more I want to say (in a good and hopefully encouraging way) and cannot wait to see you again. I want to see this big beautiful house and how you are turning it into your home. I miss you more than you know. Thank you for knowing me the way you do, and the fun we always have when we are together!

Megan is on bed rest and that stinks. My best for you dear is to think about that sweet baby who will be joining your family soon. My prayers are with you, wish I could be present with Laurie and Julie today as well.

Oh so much more to say to so many people. I love how big my community is, love that my sister is cooking with Whitney right now, and that worlds are colliding. Wish I could be with you, but am thankful to be here as well.

Here is Pawhuska, one of my favorite away from home places. Yesterday I got to have lunch with Rev Finley, Mark B and their lovely wives. Dinner was with the legen-wait for it-dary Boone family. Needless to say, much laughter was shared. I am blessed to be here, and the trip is only half over.

So much more to say and think about, but this will have to do for now. I hope there is more to come.

Thankful

I have the week off. Vacation looks good on me. I love the intentional time I have to think about things I am thankful for–I really want to prepare my heart and recognize how much blessing my life overflows with. I am not sure one can ever take enough time to think about all the things they should be thankful for, but with the time I have had today, here is a list of things I am currently thankful for:

1. The truth I have realized about my current role at YouthWorks these past two weeks. I finally feel like I have arrived as a Regional Director. I know it took me awhile, which is something to work on, but right now, I am thankful I am here. I am grateful for what I have, and the purpose I continue to find. I am excited about the future and what the possibilities hold.

2. My little car that could. As I continue to work to get out of debt I am constantly reminded of how God is advocating for me. I know my car is ugly, and sometimes a little scary on winter roads, but I see God’s providence in that car. I often make fun of my dad’s ability to repurpose and hold on to things we believe we will never use. My car sat for four years because no one needed it. If it weren’t for that car, I would not be where I am-starting to plan how I want to celebrate this monument occasion. I am also VERY thankful for the confidence I have gained in driving my little car that could. I still don’t buy into “it will be fun and you will enjoy it when you learn how to drive it,” but it slowly moving past tolerable. I love that my car, as unworldly as it might be, is a constant reminder of God cheering me on, and giving me the desires of my heart.

3. 30 and 37 things. As more of my friends continue to hit the big 3-0 I am increasingly more thankful for all that I have been able to experience and the people who have shaped me along the way. I love that my life is filled with purpose, and moving towards being more of the person I want to be. I like looking at my list of 37 or so things for 30 and realizing I am living into them. I am in a good place, and it continues to get better.

4. I am thankful for my family, and where are all at right now. Especially for the conversations I have been having with Kels lately. I don’t think she has any idea how much truth she is speaking into my life, and the freedom she is helping me discover. I am excited for my Joey to have time away from school and continue to prepare for “the real world” that happens after college. I CANNOT WAIT for tree shopping on Saturday. I am not sure I ever feel more fully alive and joyous with my family then on that day. Here’s hoping for a 20 footer.

5.  Learning to live a life not controlled by fear. This might be the greatest accomplishment of the season I currently find myself in.

6. The freedom and connection experienced in the last four months. What a blessing to have too many people I want to stay relationally relevant with. I have so many great people surrounding me, so much talent and wisdom. I feel so humbled by my village, so thankful to get to do life with so many incredible people. I wish I would have known how stuck I was feeling for so long, I wish I could have seen it-but I am also recognizing there are lessons to be learned from that time, and instead of wishing them away, I need to continue to reflect and learn. I cannot throw the baby out with the bath water.

7. Mill City Church, what the Lord is doing there and getting to be a part of it. As a few friends have come to check out the church I love that I am not depending on their opinion to help me see what we are doing is good. I know that we are, no matter what anyone else thinks. I am excited about my leadership roles and being able to live into them, and being a part of the larger community trying to understand what God is doing in our neighborhood and taking the opportunity to be a part of it. God’s faithfulness is everywhere.

8.  The intentional time I have found and made for learning more about who I am, what I want, and how my Father wants to utilize me. I am thankful I am hearing the Lord’s voice and the truth I am discovering about myself. I am in a good place to fight some of the lies I have held on to for so long, and holding on to what God says about me.

9. The baptism I have received into Native culture. So much more to learn and appreciate, but I’ve come a long way. I love how my life is being shaped because of these experiences.

10. A bigger plan then I know about, and the trust to hold onto holding out for it. Never did I EVER think my living situation was going to turn out as it has, but now I cannot imagine my living experience without Whitney in it. I love having a roommate I don’t live with. I love the vulnerability in which we have entered our friendship in, and the truth that is being exposed because of it. I will keep trusting, even when it doesn’t make sense perfectly. I will keep looking for opportunities to participate in God’s kingdom.

I am sure their will be more in the days to come. I pray that I can slow down enough to be present and enjoy it. I am so blessed. Wishing you a very happy and laughter filled Thanksgiving.

In the Midst

How has it already been a month? Where does time go? I am grateful to report my time has been full. I have thought about a few different blog posts I would like to develop, but apparently didn’t take the time to make that come to fruition. Better luck next time.

I am trying to reduce my impulse to constantly celebrate the freedom I have found over the past couple of months and really start living into it. It has been great to see the relationships that have developed from being more intentional with time.

***That is all the further I got in my blog post from last week.****

I am struck this afternoon by how blessed I feel in relationships right now. I actually for the first time, in a long time feel like I am relationally where I want to be. While there are always more people I would like to see more often, and more to be done; this afternoon I am just really grateful for the lives I get to be a part of. I am so blessed by my community. I am participating in relationships I have wanted to maintain for months–I am actually seeing progress.

If even just for this afternoon, I sit and know I am in a very good place. Thank you Jesus. I am SO blessed.

Love of Family

Last Friday I was at my friend Steph’s house playing games with some friends. Steph is one of the pastor’s at Mill City. I asked her if she was preaching on Sunday, to which she replied “Yes, I am speaking about truth,” to which her brother and sister-in-law in almost complete unison said something to the effect of always speak truth. It was a sweet moment, but fleeting for me. If Mike, my brother-in-law had made the same comment I can almost guarantee with complete certainty that someone in my family would have said “trying something new?” When I shared that with the group we all laughed, and agreed it might be true.

I have been increasingly more aware of how much I use sarcasm in my everyday life. I frequently tell people sarcasm is a part of my love language–sarcasm and punching. Who wants to be my friend? Boo. I don’t even realize I am using sarcasm in a post about desiring to be less sarcastic. Clearly I have some work to do.

I’ve been trying to decide if I think sarcasm is ever the best option. I want people to think I am funny, I usually can come up with a pretty good comeback fairly quickly. In the past it has been permissible when I know the person on the receiving end only knows I am completely kidding. Is that the best way to love someone? Even though Mike knows I think he is an incredibly gifted speaker, does that make it acceptable to make fun? I let myself get away with it because it isn’t that big of a deal. My joking with folks has no real bearing on our friendship–it isn’t a big deal, right? I’m  in the mess of my thoughts and would love some others thoughts on this. Seeing as most of the/all of the people who read this blog are people I know–lets dialogue. Hopefully I will have some concluding thoughts and action steps soon.

A Year Later

Sunday will mark the one year anniversary of my car being hit while parked outside Mike and Karissa’s house. In the days following the event I questioned what God was doing. I was in the thick of trying to get my finances in order and sticking to a plan that was going to work. I was excited that Dad was able to fix my car yet again for less than $20. I cannot tell you how many times that happened. We would have this worked up conversation about needing to save so I could buy a new car because this one wasn’t going to last forever and it was going to be expensive to fix–there was no other way about it, it was going to be costly to fix, and then would end up being less than $20.

The night my car got hit I wrote the following in my journal: ” And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. -Romans 8.28 Lord I want to believe you are going to get the glory in this, that it will work for your good, that it will increase my faith and understanding– but right now I don’t see it. It feels awful. It aches and I am scared. ” Just a few days later I would learn that the car my dad and I thought I would be lucky to get $1500 for was being totalled out for $2908. I still don’t really believe it. And while I was excited for the amount of money and how it was REALLY going to jump-start my debt reduction process I had no idea that I was going to be involved in another car accident in just a few weeks. I was frustrated and scared, I really didn’t want to drive anywhere for fear of what might happen. I hated learning how to drive a manual car. Those were not fun days spent on the dirt roads by my parents house.  They were trying days, but I desperately tried to hold on to the Lord being faithful and good.

A year later the circumstances still don’t entirely make sense to me, but I am humbled to know I made over $4000 on cars last year. The neon is not pretty, it is not a glamorous car. BUT it gets me where I need to be. God continues to provide in ways I never thought possible. It may have taken time to pass to provide a wide enough perspective to see the goodness in the circumstances–but I am thankful I got to that place and do hope these experiences continue to teach me in the future of that truth. God is good–even when I don’t understand it.

Authentic

For most of the week I’ve been thinking about how I needed to update my blog. However, I have been in meetings all week, which reminds me I need to update my time study. Boo. Hiss. At least I have been doing the same thing all week.   The other part of the problem is I don’t have anything super meaningful to post about. That may make you not want to read the rest of it. Crap. I promise you should.

It has been a good week. My great grandma turned 91, I know she turned 91 because my grandma just turned 71 and my mom is going to turn 51 in December and Karissa turned 31 at the end of August. How nice of them of them to take care of that for me. My godson, Andrew, turned 16 this week. I am not sure which is more frightening, that 16 years have passed since he was born, or that I was 14 when they asked. Either way, I love him so much and am so thankful I get to speak into his life. He is such a good kid, even if he is over a head taller than me.  I learned this week that my friend had been dating a guy for almost four months and didn’t tell me. This could have been a serious burn, but, SHE didn’t know she was dating this same someone. Kind of reminds me like those stories about women being pregnant and not knowing. Doesn’t seem possible, until you know someone it happened to. Glad she is not pregnant, and glad that she has a boyfriend, and will start acting like a girlfriend. Also VERY glad we can laugh about it. I’ve been thinking a lot about my friend Becky, who is moving in less than a week. Holy buckets it is exciting, and crazy. I think they had just over a month to pack everything up. I am excited to see the new place. On Wednesday night I got to worship with some teenagers.  I am helping with a mentorship program on Wednesday nights and cannot wait to really dig in. This summer I realized how much I love teenagers. Glad I get to hang out with them. I had dinner with my neighbor and went to see The Help with her and some friends. I GOT TO SEE LEAH SAMPLES THIS WEEK. What is better than that? Finding out a friend has a secret boyfriend, maybe? Last night I got to hang out with the niece and nephew, Mak kept feeding “baby Kate” a bottle and putting me to bed, which involved singing me How Great is Our God, kissing me on the head and touching her cheek to my forehead and saying hug. We did this I bet 15 times. There is nothing better. I love those kids so much. What a gift to live so close!  

The freedom I have been experiencing lately is liberating and filled with so much joy. I am living the life I want to lead. I am content.  I am excited about what is ahead. I am enjoying life, that is what I want to authentically write.

37 and Growing….

I have spent the past two weeks thinking about things I want to be about during year 30. At first I thought the list would take shape like a 30 for 30, but then I decided why limit myself? As I reflected on my 30x 30  list most of what I wanted to accomplish was not that far out of reach, which was in part sensible, but I really want to focus on dreaming bigger and hoping for more–so, the list is a work in progress. I am hopeful that I will be able to update the list and check things off throughout the year and continue to add. This is VERY much a work in progress.

In no particular order other than how I wrote it down, starting with the back page:

Vist Swetter.

See Jonah graduate from High School.

Take a road trip somewhere and take good pictures.

Share only honest thoughts on my blog, preferably weekly.

Grow closer to the girls from HS so we can talk about relevant things that matter to us, not just big picture updates.  I want to grow and learn from these woman, not just share about the past.

Treat Kels and Joey like the adults they are becoming.

Know my neighbors, especially Whitney.

Expand my Mill City bubble.

Communicate more frequently with Dani and Nate.

Be proud of the Western Region Site Books and RAMP preparation.

Have a monthly adventure.

Actually have quiet time 4x a week in the morning.

Listen to one additional sermon weekly.

Be credit card debt free.

Buy a new car.

Be training for something.

Know what health is with and for Eric and Cornell.

Own a dog.

Be closer to Andrew.

Mentor someone.

Advance the prayer team at church.

Know how to pray for the small groups I coach–support them well.

Have peace with Monika, or at least about Monika.

Go to the Guthrie 3x.

Out fish Dad.

Know what a healthy diet looks like for me.

Read one new book a month and talk about it. Maybe start a book club.

Have a plan for graduate school.

Go to 3 concerts.

Care for Ben, Bekah and Apple, have good conversations frequently.

Regularly meet with K Smith and Sara WG.

Support and know Lauren and Leah’s AD experiences.

Use the United States Postal Service at least 3x a month.

Know love. Have authentic companionship.

In at least six communities have community members know my name when I call them.

Continue to care for summer staff well. Specifically Lauren, Erica, Laine, Max, Smokebear, Chet and Becky.

I thought of something good while I was trying to fall asleep last night, I think it had something to do with B Hawk, but I didn’t think to write it down. I am sure this list will evolve and grow. I am excited for push back and accountability. I am excited to see how the Lord uses this and challenges me in this. More and more I am recognizing the need to be intentional and deliberate. Looking forward, recognizing it is good and getting better.

Horses, Not Frogs

**It took me two hours this morning to get a frog out of my parents house. It was big for a frog, and brought back way too many memories of mice. It was part funny and part really really awful. I had to give myself more than one pep talk. I am not sure if it would have been better or worse to have someone there with me. It was not how I was anticipating spending my early morning, but I think by next week I ought to be able to laugh about it.

Throughout the summer for whatever reason seeing horses reminded me of God’s faithfulness. I should note that it both times it happened throughout the course of the summer were pretty significant stressful moments. The first happened when I learned that one of my staff got hit by a drunk driver. I didn’t have cell phone reception at the school we stay at in Heart Butte but we have access to wireless. It is never a good moment when you get an e-mail that simply says EMERGENCY. Needless to say I ran out the door to get cell phone reception to start making phone calls. Most of what happened next was a big blur of trying to reach people and get information as quickly as possible. The Area Director I was with suddenly became my personal assistant trying to find me a flight as quickly as possible, talking to various supervisors and helping me try to manage all of the information that was being thrown at me. In the middle of one of my conversations with my supervisor seemingly out of no where this horse trots by. We were parked in an open field with really nothing around us. The horse just walked by and for whatever reason I knew that everything was going to be okay. We were okay.

A few weeks later I found myself in another difficult situation. In the midst of a very hard conversation I stepped out to make a phone call. As I was standing on the porch of the house we stayed at a horse pulls up to the kiddy pool across the street for a drink of water. I had to laugh, are you kidding me Lord, is all I kept thinking to myself, but again, I knew we were going to be okay. The God who brought us here was also going to see us through.

I thought that was the end of my horse stories, but the other day I went for a run out at my parents house. At the end of their road a family owns a bunch of horses. They were on the other side of the pasture, but as I got closer they started to come towards the road. I ended up standing there for almost ten minutes just being reminded of the Lord’s faithfulness. In a lot of ways I am starting a new chapter and am trusting God for a new sense of adventure and bold hope for things to happen. At times it seems overwhelming and impossible, but then I am reminded of horses and know that I am okay.

I love that God is using horses to remind me of His goodness of His bigness. I’m going to love it even more when I see a horse in the city.

I’m back, and maybe better than ever

People don’t like when I say summer is over, which means I probably should just clarify, I do not want the warm weather and sunny skies to leave–I like that summer, and I like the other summer too, I am just a little glad I am on this side of the summer. First summer as an RD in the books. NUTS! I went from constant motion of answering my cell phone and responding to texts to spending the better part of the last two days in bed. My body doesn’t know what hit it, what is this sleep thing? I am looking forward to finding the right balance over these next two weeks of vacation, but am also thrilled that if I needed to go back to work tomorrow I could. It was a good summer, and I am ready to start for next year. I’ll still take the two weeks though!

For most of the summer I tried to send my AD’s an e-mail with some weekly thoughts, which sort of took over writing any blog posts, but I think I’m going to try to continue to post weekly about things that actually matter to me. I feel like I faced some fears this summer and am coming out on the other side stronger and healthier. I am proud of the work I am doing. It makes me look forward to what is to come.

Birthday countdown is standing strong at 6 days, I haven’t had hardly any freak out moments over turning 30, it feels way more odd to think I am done writing the chapters on my 20′s. Something I have really thought about this summer is the need to be intentional. If we don’t focus and make it count time will march on. We will miss opportunities, I have missed opportunities. As I look at my 30 by 30 list most of what was on the list was quite attainable. A few of them were a stretch, but not many, if any required any bold faith or dependence on the Lord coming through. So, I am making a new list. I started yesterday writing about some of the things I am going to hope for in year 30. Right now it is a really rough draft, I had intended to keep it to 30 things, but why limit what I want to hope for and work toward? I am excited to see how it takes shape in the next couple of weeks. I am hoping to complete the list and publish it in some capacity within the first week of 30 to optimize my time as much as possible. I am excited to see where it takes me, and hope it lends itself to hope for even bigger and bolder things.

Excited for you to go on the journey with me.

*Important note on my behalf, I spelled everthing write –oh too funny, I really just did that. Right. Crud.

Overly Excited

Insert great picture of my Area Directors <here>. 

In just a few short hours all six of my Area Directors and I will be reunited for what I hope is a glorious few days spent in the mountains of northern Colorado. I cannot wait to see them. Literally cannot wait. This is how I know I actually really like my job. Thank you Lord.

After glorious days I will be traveling with one of my Area Directors to visit our sites in Montana. On the way up we are going to stop at our site in Wyoming which will cause enough delay to necessitate staying overnight somewhere. The best place for us to stay? Without any meddling by me we are going to be staying in the town my friend Wild Bill lives in. Bill was an Adult Leader on my YW trip 11 years ago. He has been a voice of encouragement and truth since our trip together. For whatever reason we have a connection that has stood the test of time and distance. He is in large part the reason why I started working at YW nine summers ago. I got to see him last summer briefly right before I lead the session on working with Adult Leaders. I am so excited to get to see his life in Wyoming and celebrate how far I have come since our week together in Apache, AZ many years ago. So blessed.

God is good. He is so faithful. Cannot wait!